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FUMARE

Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Friday, March 09, 2007

New Law School Offers Total Life Makeover

CORKSCREW (Novosti) - "Law students really need to be prepared for the business world, and that can often mean wearing appropriate attire," says Mr. Moneyhan while shifting his weight on custom shoes. "I want this new school to properly prepare our lawyers to be good lawyers, well dressed lawyers, ones that people see as proper and put together, and no bare kneed women."

Moneyhan says that every male student can have a complete beginner's wardrobe for just a little over $10,000.

To accomplish this goal, a unique partnership with leading haberdashers and student lenders, and dry cleaners will outfit the entering students and teach them to be presentable to business. Crooks Brothers, Cutters & Sharks, and Heart Shaftner & Marks will offer preselected packages, which include details all the way down to appropriate underwear, to incoming students, who may purchase the total package with a "lifetime wardrobe for success" loan preapproved on their basic student loan package.

Package prices range from $10,348 for the "basic necessities" package all the way up to $39,948 for the "Uncle Tom's Favorite" selections. Notably missing from any of the packages are casual attire suitable to be cleaned in a washing machine.

[OPTIONAL INSERT:
The basic necessities kit includes 3 suits (one each: black, navy, charcoal), 5 ties (student may chose solid or striped); 5 white shirts with collar stays; 4 blue shirts with button down collars; 1 french-cuffed french blue shirt emblazoned with the school logo; 7 pairs of dress underwear; 2 pair athletic underwear; 7 undershirts; 2 approved tee-shirts for approved athletic events; 1 pair sansabelt khaki pleated pants for athletic events; 3 casual dry-clean only khakis; 5 pair black socks; 3 pair navy socks; 2 pair white socks; 1 pair black dress shoe; 1 pair brown dress shoe; 1 black belt; 1 brown leather belt; one pair slip-on rubbers; 1 logo-emblazone umbrella; and one overcoat.

Rodriguez Alfariano Jesus-Lopez del Guitierrez de Santo Huancavilica i Lima Jesus, an international transfer student at the school, commented, "is many excellents of the Uncle Tom to give for me such nice thing to me to put on the back, I am the pleased and grateful very much."

Not everyone is happy, however, as some students say the attire kits are forced at excessive prices. Said Marsala Krysnetsomnowicz, a second year student who came to the school from Mississippi, "I do not understand this thing he does to us, in my country, such money can buy four houses, two cars, and taxes for a year."]

"We expect to have the best dressed law students anywhere in the world," says Moneyhan, who adds "no denim can acquire great business fortunes, so no denim here."

Students will be provided with two competing dry cleaners who will offer affordable law student rates. "$10 for suit," says Mr. Xiao-Lin, who has proposed pick-up and delivery service for the school, "is very cheap! I charge $35 in nearby town -- $10 is deal!"

UPDATE:
Reacting to public controversy over the prices, the public relations office reported today that the school will offer affordable dry cleaning services on items from any student attire kit in 30 minutes or less for free. About an hour later tuition costs were raised $912 per semester.

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