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Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

First Victim of the Afformatively Injurious Standard Fired

CorkSCREW (Novosti). Deeomond LaVohnson, longtime after-hours janitor at CorkSCREW School of Law, was sent home with mop in hand today.

"I don't get it," said LaVohnson, "all I said was I love the place and I hate to see it closed down for no good reason." LaVohnson was told that his attitudes and beliefs were causing the school to lose business, an act that was "affirmatively injurious" to the institution.

CorkSCREW public relations office has responded that "he was not fired. We failed to renew his contract. He was a the only janitorial support staff member not under a blanket contract with our preferred provider company."

Critics of the firing say that LaVohnson was the only janitor not hired by the contract company owned by Greve Pay™, a televangelist apologist and friend of Moneyhan™. "That lack of control caused by an independent contract presented a problem for them because he couldn't be surreptitiously gagged," said Ornaphelia, LaVohnson's wife.

One school official said, off the record, "I'm glad he's gone. He used to be friends with support staff at that heathen law school, and that was injurious enough. We also used to suspect that he would listen to unauthorized violent music on his headset while working. Those songs make vibrations in the air of the building that would cause harm to others, too. But he was also unwilling to support the Board's decision and get behind the mission which affirmatively harmed me."

Specialist Dr. Andreyosevsky Pretin said he believed the maneuver was caused by Vicodin-induced paranoid delusions. "I've seen this wild thrashing about in patients who are in recovery, under stress, and the euphoria of the Vicodin causes them to irrationally lash out."

LaVohnson said he wasn't sure who would clean all the crap piling up now that he's gone and that made him feel bad for the people who were remaining.