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Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ave Maria, Barron-Collier Officials Announce Ave Maria School of Law in Solidarity with New Community

Ave Maria Town (AP)--In a picturesque setting yesterday afternoon, Thomas Monaghan millionaire philanthropist and founder of Domino's Pizza announced the closure of the Ave Maria School of Law in Ann Arbor Michigan and its relocation to the newly created Ave Maria Town near Immokalee, Florida. Praised poured in from the Governor of the state as well as local officials. A spokesman for Dean Bernard Dobranski, Dean and President of the law school, emphasised that the law school wants to be part of the community of Ave Maria Town. "We believe that there is great synergy here between the law school, the University and the new community of Ave Maria Town," said Hilda von Woffenschmidt, spokesperson for Dobranski. "To that end the Dean has taken radical steps to promote--in the words of the late Holy Father John Paul II--solidarity with the new residents of Ave Maria. The rumors are indeed true. The Dean will be having a hip replacement."

While many would see this as necessary evil, von Woffenschmidt indicated that the law school wanted to drive home the fact that officials at the law school wanted to be one with the community. "We understand that most of the folks that will be coming to Ave Maria are elderly retirees. That the Dean would undergo a hip replacement shows his solidarity with the aged and his commitment to this area." The Dean is not the only one who has demonstrated this commitment. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have told AP that Kate O'Beirne, Gerry Bradley and Michael Uhlmann have all indicated their desires to have their hips replaced in the near future. Officials from Barron-Collier were delighted at the prospect and a spokesperson for the organization was quoted as saying "Every family, every lifestyle, every prosthetic limb."

UPDATE: The Dean's Missive to to the AMSL community:

On Thursday, February 22, I will undergo hip replacement surgery. I have been advised that recovery and rehabilitation will last some weeks. Associate Dean Milhizer will serve as Acting Dean until my return.

One point deserves to be emphasized—my surgery was scheduled long before the Board of Governors met and voted on relocation, and its scheduling so close in time to the relocation decision was entirely unintended. Unfortunately, I am not able to postpone the surgery without causing a delay of several months due to medical availability issues beyond my control.

While I am away, I will be fully apprised of activities at the Law School. I look forward to rejoining you all at the Law School in the near future.

Bernard Dobranski
President and Dean

UPDATE II: Amidst the great discomfort of shifting in his chair, the Dean continues to harass (my words) students as to whether they are posting comments on this the last best hope for mankind. Good luck Deano. We will anxiously be watching the purge. Stop picking on law students and get a damn life.