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Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Russians Counting Days to Falvey Release

MOSCOW (Krueters) - Minister of Public Anticipation and Services, Leonid Brevsky, announced today that he will be releasing pictures of the anxiety caused by the delay in releasing the Falvey report.

In response to suggestions that the stalled report was in need of scrutiny and discussion prior to release, he said, "Outrageous! They release report that misspells name of their own leader without scrutiny, so this tactic is nothing more than a stall tactic."

"I will show you what Russians think of so called delay." He held up a previously unseen picture that inspired cheers from the onlooking locals.

Piotr Ivanovov, said that the locals did not feel that imaginary counters could possibly show with appropriate weight the lunacy of the suggestion that a report from a high military officer needed redaction. "It's insane to suggest that he is a bad actor needing parenting. It insults our country and our military training, not to mention it insults a good man's reputation."

"These people making insinuation are the liars and the ones who need redaction!" shouts an elderly widow in the onlooking crowd. Instead of making an internet counter, they have been killing a foreigner, presumably people attached to the delay, each day report is withheld.

Andrev Shamanovov, local villager and onlooker to the public announcement, only had this to say, "They lie to us, insult a good man by telling us report needs redaction, so we decided to redact them. Pretty soon, they will be tolerable and fit for public consumption, as they tell us report needs to be. It is basic logic – they lie, so we punish."

Ivanovov also told the reporter that they are not taking things lightly, but have also sent a spy probe in to recover the report. He did not comment as to whether the probe was able to recover the report, however.

Russian Spy Probe Sent in to Recover Report

Lastly, Brevsky promised full cooperation with ABA troops in the process of recovering the truth. "It is time that the reality make an impact and that truth be spoken. For this, Russia is pleased to give its might to these forces that are working towards unraveling the web of lies spun by this administration of obscurity and misdirection."

Russian Troops Assist ABA

UPDATE (10:20 CST)....


TBLISI - Tangerine shipments in route to Russia have been blockaded by Russian Troops in protest of the Falvey Report hostage crisis.

Russian Troops blockade Citrus Truck Access on Transcaucasian Highway.

Elderly Widow Approaches Blockade to Spit at Citrus Trucks

Troops at Ready to Enforce Citrus Shipment Ban

Comments were unanimous: "No Report, No Citrus Import... Keep your tangerines for discussion and redaction, we don't need them."

UPDATE... (12:05 CST)

Citrus Ministry to Consider Lifting Ban at Next Meeting

MOSCOW. Minister of Citrus and Other Florida Imports, Oleg Dimwitnenko, spoke in a press conference late this morning addressing the protestations of Hail Mary Directors over the Citrus ban.

"We invented the blame and stall game ... even I, whose name itself shows that I am not the brightest Russian cookie know that these tactics of investigating and deliberating the merits of a simple choice endlessly are nothing more than dilatory sophistry," stated Dimwitnenko. "These amatuers with russian-wanna-be names attempt to use these tactics against people more sophisticated than them. Ultimately, such attempts will fail."

Discussing when the blockade may be lifted, he responded, "unfortunately, the Ministry was very busy at its meeting this morning and was unable to discuss and investigate these tangerines. We pledge, however, to discuss this ban at our next regular meeting, if the agenda permits."

Critics say that the next regular meeting is in July and that the tangerines will rot in the trucks by then.

Sergei Politso, spokesman for the ministry, responded to these claims that "it was unclear at this time that the trucks even contain tangerines... we are looking into the matter intently and a resolution shall be made at our next meeting, if the agenda permits."

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