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Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Victims in Rural ER Thought to be Faculty, Fumare Reader

KEKOSKEE, WI (PULASKI) Staff of the St. Mary of the Great Mysteries Hospital emergency room have been fielding questions all day about several people in critical condition.

"They appeared just after lunch today in black vans that dumped them at the emergency room entrance," said Sister Valentina Koska, the triage nurse and nun of 47 years. "We treated them as best we can, but the doctors believe they were poisoned with the same Polonium 210 that affected that man in England."

News people, police, FBI, and even the U.S. Dept of State have descended upon the hospital to learn of the identities.

Kekoskee Mayor, Buzz Hupaj, said he believed that at least one of the victims was a former FUMARE reader. Said Hupaj, "The black van, the recent black helicopter sightings, the government people, and the crop circle all make me think this was a conspiracy of some sort by them cult web people."

FBI Agent Smith, investigation manager, presented a different theory. Stated Smith, "There is evidence to suggest that the five victims were faculty of a fourth tier law school located in the Midwest. We are following this lead in order to determine the identity of these victims, and, if possible, resuscitate any of them to learn what happened."

So far, said Smith, the only tangible evidence is that each victim was tatooed with the phrase "not rb."

The CDC Atlanta responded to this reporter that the probability of reviving any of the victims to the point of being able to converse is "highly unlikely."

Wisconsin State Patrol was alerted to the black van's characteristics, but has been unable to locate it thus far. Sergeant Tuus said it was a blessing in some ways, stating, "we cracked down on 27 vehicles matching the description so far, and with the exception of 1, we have found drug smugglers, illegal aliens, and a stray gaggle of Canadians. All of them have been locked up, but we can't find the van that dumped these victims."

Others have theories on the identities of the victims, but unless specialists can find more evidence or reverse the radioactive poisoning, it will be a mystery.