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Law, culture, and Catholicism...up in smoke!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

AP Breaking: Ave Maria School of Law Board of Governors Meet, Chants Heard Outside Board Room

Ann Arbor (AP Breaking)--As this article goes to press, the Board of Governors of the Ave Maria School of Law are meeting in Ann Arbor to discuss the fragility of the young law school's future. Developments during the last year have taken the Catholic law school from enjoying a superb reputation to one that is on shaky ground. Much of the controversy stems from what one observer calls the "problematic style of governance of the institution." Philanthropist Thomas Monaghan, who made his fortune as the founder of Domino's Pizza, generously provided much of the initial capital for the new law school in 1998. He is also chairman of the law school's Board of Governors and it is his designs for the institution that are creating quite the stir among the school's academics, alumni and students.

At this writing, our sources tell us that the Board has made preliminary decisions not to make a decision on the adequacy of the recent Read and White feasibility study. Deans Read and White, law school deans and former officials of the ABA, were commissioned to provide the Board of Governors with an "updated" feasibility study on the move of the law school to Florida. Dean Bernard Dobranski--who also sits on the Board of Governors--disseminated the report to the law school community. As it turned out, the report was replete with errors and inaccuracies. One alumnus from the class of 2004 commented, "Deans Read and White should have consulted 'Strunk and White'! Apparently a career as a law school dean doesn't require the grammatical acumen that would be required of a law school professor." Another, alumnus from the founding class (Class of 2003) opined, "It seems that Dean Read can't write and Dean White can't read!"

Our sources also indicate that the Board will not be making a decision to release the Falvey Report at today's meeting. "This just sucks," said a very agitated second-year law student who would only speak on condition of anonymity. "It's about time that the 'best and the brightest' of the Catholic legal community--those who sit on the Board--actually make a decision instead of patting each other on the back and enjoying the tea and crumpets. I hope to stop Gerry Bradley in the hall and remind him of his meeting with us last week!" An alumnus from the Class of 2003, took a more concialiatory but no less vigorous tone, "The bottom line for me is that even if the Blessed Mother told Tommy to build in Florida (and she may well have), she didn't tell him to violate all other commandments to do it. Release the Falvey report!" Alumni-writers for the controversial blog, FUMARE, have taken Dean Bernard Dobranski to task for holding the report hostage. A prominent ticker has been displayed on the website, alerting the world to--in their words--"our stubborn Polack Dean."

Finally, in a strange twist as the meeting began, soft chants of "Puff, Puff, Puff" outside the board room began. No one knows where the chant came from. The law school's chaplain was unavailable for comment.